Convalescence

a day make differences
an age result in wizened pucker
i am strolling gracefully the day
sometimes i am grateful of what i have 
when i am sleeping
with a dizzying jolt 
my dream abruptly become a nightmare ..
i stare at myself
looking for some signs of impending moments in my life
i am entirely not able to avoid an abrupt moment
which about to happen ..
i struggle to get a grip on myself 
despair momentarily vanish
i wonder what i will be in the next age 
i always try to live my life eagerly 
as i make my way to my eternal happiness ..
however
i hiss myself when there is a sign of no fluke
in life
there is always an impasse 
which you can't do any better than stay in silence ..
on the other hand
most of the people tell me smugly about their money
but they will never know the true happiness that they can achieve ..
sometimes
im stammering and scrambling for an excuse
how if i have unlimited time on my hands
i have nothing to reciprocate with ?
how uncanny it will be ..
for some unfathomable reason,
God always want to be with me 
i can't see Him
i can't touch Him
but 
i believe He always stay besides me ..
as the day goes on
neither me nor people realize
that we will never know what will happen next ..
it is hazardous to force what we will never be 
i speak to myself halfheartedly
" i am what i am .. "
" i have plans and ideas but .. "
" reality and wishes will never arise in life altogether .. "
i breathe uneven 
and i tell myself
" i can do better than what i am now .. "
my pulse is thudding in my heart
im waiting to meet Him in my dream for the fourth times
frankly,
i often torture myself for life
provoke myself for unreason moments
i blanch at my own thoughts
a trace of pain touch my perfect features
then abruptly,
i pull myself up into a more happiness ..
when a scar comes into a heart
nothing can heals it
but when i come into a stage called convalescence
i will open my eyes widely
and realize that it was a mistake ..
moreover,
i will say virtuously 
that i have to stand up for myself ..
i furtively enjoy myself not to have pain
and live the life slowly and easyly 
i expect a perceptible difference in my days
and it happens as i think positively ..
with no daze,
i look up to the brightest star
and wish for a better life ..



Joanna -